Where have you been?

 

The answer to that question is simply… nowhere. I’m here. I haven’t been very “social” lately. I’m not antisocial per se. I’m just not social media active. It’s June 19’ and I would say that I haven’t been active on social media since last October or November, maybe. But regardless, I’m in the same place. Doing the same things. Trying to get through school while juggling all my past and present traumas and being a good dad. I’m human. Things have gotten easier there. I feel like I took back a lot of my power in refusing to care so hard about what people think. Pretty much all people. Strangers, people in my circle. No opinion matters period. If anyone has an opinion about you at all, it’s because there is something deep within themselves that they are dissatisfied with. I mean, I get it, we live in this super untrusting society where it can be immensely difficult to tell the difference, metaphorically, between up and down, and left and right. If you really can’t tell the difference outside of a metaphorical context then that’s a bigger problem that should be a priority to tackle. Like go see a doctor. Now. Put down your device, power down your gear, and go… to… a… doctor… please! But in all seriousness, don’t let anyone try and throw you off your game and get in your head because they can’t respect that you believe in things differently from them. Or that you move differently from them. THEIR EXPECTATIONS OF YOU MEAN SHIT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS FOR YOURSELF. I am very guilty of arguing with people in the recent past for their beliefs and whether wrong or right it isn’t for me to judge at all. All I want is the same respect I am giving in turn. Respect isn’t something that anyone has to earn from you, you should really just be willing to be a good person to all in general because you get what you give and if you are constantly expecting someone to bow to you and respect you first when not obliging when given the opportunity, well, then that kind of negativity says a lot about your mindset, and what you will receive as a result of your mindset and about my issues with certain people as of late, but I digress. Just don’t let anyone add pressure to your life about who you should be or where you should be and what and who you are. Period. Do you. On your own time. But do you. You’ll achieve your goals. Just keep trying.

 

In any event, I also stopped putting so much pressure on myself… unhealthy pressure I might add… to finish school and for other things. Not because I’m lazy. Not because I’m taking advantage of a situation or of anyone but because I put so much pressure on myself before where I was dealing with so much and put so much on plate in all aspects counting down time milestones in increments as some mnemonic device to help me deal with pressures of being somewhere and doing something at a certain time because I feel like I’ve been playing catch up with the rest of my peers to match the social definition of success, and to appease the opinions of me from people that never should have mattered in the first place. I owe you shit. And that should be okay. Nobody owes me anything either. I’m happy getting back what I put out. I’ll get there on my time. It isn’t about how long it takes it’s about what I’ve learned along the way. And I’m as successful as they come. By the standard of my definition of course.

 

I’m transitioning from my own medieval period into a personal renaissance. It’s that in between that seems to be less pressuring. I really don’t want to be there… or there either. I want to be just right. The right amount of brooding and despair, with the right amount of melancholy and peace.

 

I’m a grown ass man dealing with a shit ton of unresolved teenaged angst. Leave me to figure it out. I will. Just don’t judge me for how long it takes and if I ever do. Or do. Who cares?

 

So, in that time since, I turned off social media notifications, I spammed emails reminding me of those notifications, the occasional slips through though and I just ignore it, and I just refused to post any updates. I learned that social media might have been part of the problem. Trying to keep up this happy façade updating your followers with all the day to day, the kids, the school, the pics of random shit, and then at the same time trying to appease them and their egos, and their beliefs. I want to add that some friends are followers but not all followers are friends. That just has to sink in though for a second. Social media has become more than a venue to keep up with people and network with others. It’s a nasty place that takes all the negativity and nastiness that has been prevalent since its inception and as part of humanity and society, and turned it into a place full of all of that without the anonymity…. and with the lack of repercussions for it. It’s like one big bully’s playground. I just didn’t like what I was reading and seeing and decided to tune out. So many antiquated ideologies that make progress and equality so hard to obtain for so many disenfranchised peoples. But I have to remember that, these people that believe these things do so for some reason I don’t need to change or understand, those reasons are their own. But the climate in which they do is troubling and not for me. Back to the main point about what I learned about society and my circles since my inactivity on social media, people might have felt left out or thought I died. Although my phone number hasn’t changed since 2007 and only very few people have tried to reach out, other than to express being angry and feeling ignored by the majority of people who have, I haven’t got that many people call or text. Just kinda pissed that I haven’t posted any updates on social media. Also, weird to know there are people who are only content to see me post social media updates and value that as a way of measuring my well-being.

 

It’s kind of a self-imposed isolation as well though. And isolation in general can be dangerous to one’s psyche, self-imposed or not. It’s just sometimes so necessary. It’s not like I refused to talk to anyone I just made different use of my time and who I was social with. Time was becoming increasingly strained and school was getting into a phase that needed an extraordinary amount of attention and that was part of it too. I’m in the end game there now. My kids are growing up and are more needy as well. But, as per my last blog post, I had to take some time, ultimately, to focus on me and a social media vacation was the last part of the equation. I was going through some tough shit last year ya’ll. I needed some space. Three people I was very fond of as just great friends and inspirational human beings, all of my age, left this world last year at various points, and I took these losses hard which created an ongoing existential crisis where I really had to reevaluate what I am doing and what legacy I am leaving behind. It boiled down to me wanting to focus more of my attention on guiding my kids to help them make and achieve goals as opposed to achieving my own goals and being some trophy guy that some could be proud to know because of something I’ve done. If you claim to be close to me and know me at all and aren’t proud of what I have overcome or have created, as if it mattered or was needed, then you aren’t as close to me as you claimed. Neither here nor there. As for social media, I don’t miss it, or the attention and certainly not the anxiety of trying to appease everyone’s opinions be they political, spiritual, or otherwise. I do miss my friends. But it wasn’t until a couple of days ago that someone reached out to me to tell me they were concerned because they haven’t heard from me. That they just wanted me to know that I was loved and missed and that they think of me often. That I’m a part of their family, a son and a brother to them. It made me realize something about my break from social media. That I made the right choice, I just didn’t go about it the right away. I ghosted social media. The big middle finger to facebook and twitter and instagram and all that shit. But I never intended to make anyone feel like I abandoned them as well. The big middle finger wasn’t for them. My followers or my friends. I know some people might have taken it as a snub or a slap in the face and felt like my disappearance from said social media platforms made me unapproachable or made others feel like I didn’t wanna be bothered but it was none of that. It made me see how much we depend on social media as a method of communication. We’re far beyond the days of debating the phone call versus the text message, reference to my first real back to college English 101 final paper debating the etiquette of preferred methods of communication. I realized that I probably missed a lot. I certainly owe a lot of people a happy birthday. Social media isn’t just the pariah of new age bullying as it extends to the larger capacity for the cyber bullying that the internet gives power to as it is, but you can tune out what you don’t like while still being connected. For anyone thinking this is a pretty conceited way of thinking, it’s only because you don’t care. I never said everyone cares about where I am or how I am doing. The world is a big place with lots of people. I don’t care who doesn’t care. That’s fine, but I feel bad that those that do might feel slighted. And that’s my update. So, for that much, I’m sorry for blowing ya’ll off like that without any warning. But I’m good and working on me. I genuinely hope ya’ll are good too. I’m still rooting for everyone. Let’s keep trying right? Isn’t that the best one can hope for? Be good ya’ll.